THE REVERSE HAREM LADIES CLUB
SANDY
“I can’t believe we’re actually doing this today.”
Connie winks in her usual cheeky way, and then before she can answer, she’s standing and waving. “Over here…”
The coffee shop is crowded, but I can already see Natalie and Melanie making their way over to our table by the window.
“Hey,” Natalie gushes, embracing Connie tightly. She’s looking awesome with her sleek blond hair cut into a choppy bob and a bohemian white cotton dress. There’s something so effortless about Natalie’s style, as though she’s simply picked up her clothes and unique beaded accessories in unknown markets on her travels across the world. “Sandy!” I stand as Natalie holds her arms out for me, and we hug. I mean, I know Natalie, but we’re not best friends, so I wasn’t expecting the gushy embrace.
Melanie stands a little awkwardly behind her until Connie grabs her hand and pulls in for a hug.
“Melanie, you met Sandy at my wedding,” Connie reminds.
Melanie waves in my direction, seemingly as uncomfortable with gushy affection as I am. “Of course. It’s great to see you again.”
“Take a seat, guys, and let’s get talking.”
“Shouldn’t we wait until we can toast to the inaugural Reverse Harem Ladies club? I mean, it’s not every day that this kind of thing happens.” Natalie wiggles her eyebrows, earning a snort from me. She’s right. There probably isn’t another Reverse Harem Ladies Club anywhere else in the world.
“Do you think we can call it something else?” Melanie asks. “I don’t know…like the RHLC? I have to put these meet-ups on our kitchen calendar. What will the church ladies think?”
“How many church ladies are wandering through your farmhouse without knowing that you’re shacked up with five brothers?” Connie says.
“Not many,” Melanie admits.
“It’s kind of staggering thinking that we have eighteen men between us.” Connie picks up the menu, using her finger to trail all the available coffee varieties on offer.
“Yeah, thanks to Sandy, that number has increased significantly,” Natalie laughs. “To think I thought I was really pushing the boundaries when I got together with Max, Miller, and Mason. Now three seems positively tame.”
“Well, you could always think about increasing the size of your harem?” Connie waves over the waitress, and after scanning the menu, we order our coffees and four huge slices of chocolate cake.
“Three is enough for me. I don’t know how you girls manage more.”
“I’m pretty sure my lady is going to be giving in her notice at some point,” I say. “Not only do I have six men, but I have six men who are insatiable. I thought there might be at least a couple among them who might only need it once or twice a week, but they’re all over me all the time. It’s a miracle that I’m functioning on so little sleep.
“I know,” Melanie says, blushing. “There really is no such thing as a quickie when there are five men involved.” Her hands fly to her cheeks. “Sorry. I’m really not used to discussing this kind of thing with anyone. I don’t really have girlfriends, and my boys were my first.”
Connie’s hand flies up, palm forward, and she straightens in her chair. “Wait, what? You were a virgin?”
Melanie’s eyes dart to the table next to us. I’m sure that some ears have pricked, but that’s what Connie is like. She’s always completely unaware of who is around, and has no mouth filter. I love her, but maybe Melanie isn’t as used to it.
“I was,” she whispers.
“Holy fucks in a basket,” Natalie mutters. “You went from nothing to gang bang… I have a newfound respect for you, girl.”
Melanie shakes her head. “I messed around with them separately first. I guess they were easing me in.”
“There’s no easing,” I say. “One man is one thing. Six is a whole other universe.”
“You wait until you start trying for a baby,” Natalie says. “I think we ended up tossing the sheets. It was truly disgusting.”
I straighten in my seat a little. “Well, we’re trying,” I say, “so I’m familiar with the mess, although Greg being a neat freak has meant that most of it has been confined to towels.”
“You’re trying?” Connie claps her hands. “That is so exciting.”
“Yeah. It’s been a couple of months now, and nothing. I have to admit I was kind of assuming that with so many men and so much genetic material being pumped inside me that it would be a sure thing.”
“It’s never a sure thing,” Connie says, resting her hand on mine. “I got pregnant so easily the first time, but we’ve been trying again for six months and nothing.”
“I have my fingers crossed for both of you,” Natalie says. “I’m pretty sure that Max and Miller are ready to try again, but Mason has been so swept off his feet by the demand since his first gallery showing that I think his head is in another place. To be honest, I’m just enjoying the twins, and we have a trip to Cambodia planned for next month. Traveling with three men and two children is one thing. Adding some babies to the mix might just push me over the edge.”
“Yeah, it’s not easy. You’ll go from being able to travel in a seven-seater to possibly needing a minibus.”
“I’m getting used to traveling in convoy,” I laugh. “Sophie loves it. She’s always shouting at whoever is driving to overtake the other car so she can wave at all her uncles.”
“I bet they’re spoiling her rotten,” Connie laughs.
“That is an understatement. You know, I can’t believe that I was so worried about what Tyler was going to think about what happened. He’s really taken to remote fatherhood like a pro. For someone who’s gone through some tough times, he’s really emotionally intelligent. All of his focus is on Sophie’s wellbeing. There’s never been an ounce of jealousy and he’s never made me feel that what I did was wrong.”
“That’s how it should be,” Connie says. “Life didn’t standstill for either of you when you were apart, and it won’t now that you’re back together.”
“Are you going to see a fertility specialist?” I ask Connie. It’s been playing on my mind that maybe I need to get myself checked out. Then again, part of me wonders if we’re trying too hard. Sometimes, when you want something too badly, the universe seems to want to keep it from you.
“Not yet,” Connie says. “I did some reading, and it’s totally normal for it to take some time. I decided that this month, I’ll use one of those ovulation monitor things. Up until now, we’ve just been letting nature take its course, but what if I’m one of those women who ovulates really early or really late in her cycle. In the beginning, it was just a very fun free for all,” she laughs. “Now, I’m getting more and more strategic with every month that passes. Like, last month, I got Kane and Holden to fuck me one day and Harris and Karter the next day. They had to alternate for all of my supposed fertile days.”
“How come you mixed up the twins,” Natalie asks as the waitress appears with a large wooden tray holding all our goodies.
“Because I didn’t want to give one set of genetic material preferential treatment,” Connie laughs. “I mean, what kind of thought process is that. Sometimes I feel like this whole reverse harem thing is making me go cuckoo.”
“Oh, reverse harem. I love those books,” the waitress, whose badge says Kyla, says.
“You’d love the real-life application even more.” Trust Connie to wiggle her eyebrows and make us the center of gossip in this place.
The waitress stills for a moment. “Real life?” she says. “You mean, you have a harem?” Her cheeks flush.
“Four for me, five for her, three for her, and six for this greedy bitch,” Connie says, pointing at me.
“SIX?” Kyla’s mouth drops open.
“Yep,” I say. “Six giant men and little old me, kissing in a tree.”
Natalie snorts, and Melanie looks like she wants the ground to swallow her whole.
“We have babies and have no idea who the real father is,” Connie adds. “And we don’t care either because having multiple fathers rocks.”
“I think you’re going to make Kyla’s head explode,” Natalie says.
“Forget an exploding head,” Kyla says, straightening her blouse. “What I want to know is where can I sign up?”
“Well, it’s not something that any of us went looking for,” I say. “Well, except this one who wanted a fling with four hot firefighters.”
Connie raises her hand proudly.
“You just never know when you might stumble into men who are looking for this kind of lifestyle.”
“I’d never be that lucky,” Kyla says. “I’ve got a teaching degree, and I can’t even find a related job.”
“Luck’s a funny thing,” Melanie says softly. “I was almost homeless, and then I stumbled on my men. Just keep your eyes peeled, and your heart open.”
“I love that,” Connie says. “We should get badges with that printed on.”
“Or ‘Why Choose’,” Natalie says.
“Or ‘I like my harems reversed’, I laugh.
“How about ‘five dicks are better than one’,” Melanie adds, her cheeks flaming as the words leave her lips.
“Oh my god,” Connie snorts. “And here I thought that you were the shy one in the group.”
“Eight’s my lucky number,” Kyla says, and we all erupt into laughter and clapping.
“You go, girl. Tell you what, if you manage to snag eight dudes, you can become the queen of the Reverse Harem Ladies Club. We will bow down to you and make you our leader.”
Kyla adjusts the ties on her apron and then smoothes the fabric over her front. “You know, I’ve been trying this thing for the past few days. It’s about visualizing what you want in your life. Apparently, positive thinking can manifest itself into reality.”
“I’ve heard of that,” Natalie says, sipping her coffee. “Well, maybe you need to add eight men onto your manifestation list.”
“Eight tattooed men,” Kyla laughs. “Maybe some beards, and maybe some motorbikes.”
“Motorbikes are dangerous,” I tell her, as Jake’s smiling face pops into my head.
“Okay, maybe I can forget the motorbikes, but the tattoos are staying.”
“I’m all for tattoos,” I say, thinking about my men’s gorgeous, inked bodies. Lord. I can’t recall the number of times I’ve traced those tattoos with my tongue.
“Done,” Kyla says. “Now, you ladies enjoy your meeting. If this manifestation thing works, I’ll join you for a meeting in the future, but only if it involves lots of sex talk.”
“Oh, it does,” Melanie says. “Much to my embarrassment.”
“Girl, if you’re keeping five men satisfied, I doubt there’s much that makes you embarrassed.”
“Good point,” Connie laughs. “Kyla, you better find your men because we need you on our team.”
She winks, taking the tray. “I guess you never know.”
We all smile as she makes her way back to the counter. ‘You never know’ is right. There’s not a woman here who would have predicted where we have all ended up.
We can’t control our futures, but maybe, with some positive thinking, we can find a way forward to happiness.
I spend the rest of the morning with these three amazing women, and by the time I leave, I have a new recipe from Melanie, an offer of a mother-daughter photoshoot from Natalie, and a promise from Connie that we’ll keep in touch on our fertility journey.
Having friends to share life with is awesome.
And maybe it’s time to try some positive thinking of my own.
